Self-acceptance, Not Self-improvement

"and He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.  Most gladly therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

The above quote from the Apostle Paul probably sounds an odd note in most people's ears.  At least in certain segments of our culture, self-improvement is the prevailing mantra.  "Be all that you can be," the Army tells us. If you're fat, lose weight, if you're sick, get better.  Live up to your full potential, you need to get out of your comfort zone, blah, blah, blah, ad nauseum.  In contrast, Paul doesn't seem too interested in self-improvement.  Instead, he is content with his weaknesses, he even boasts about them.  When most people boast, they boast about successes and achievements, not failures and weaknesses.  Let's follow Paul's lead for a minute and see where it takes us.

In my last piece, I suggested that there are certain things about ourselves that we don't need to change; especially when we are trying to change in response to external pressure from parents, spouses, or society at large.  It makes no sense for us to become missionaries if we hate being in the jungle. Better to focus on our strengths and the things that bring us joy and fulfillment than to try and improve our weak areas, especially when we're trying to live up to someone else's idea of what we should do and who we should be.  But I'd like to take this point a step further. We don't need to improve in every area of our lives; in fact, we can even learn to celebrate our imperfections and revel in our failures.

Some years ago, I went through a very deep depression and sought therapy with a counselor. My depression stemmed from some very painful childhood memories involving teachers and other professionals who  work with blind children.  Essentially, I was expected to perform in areas where my blindness made it very difficult to excel. If something was hard for me, I thought it was my fault, and that I was just being lazy and not trying hard enough.  Worst of all, I was made to feel ashamed if I needed help.  I grew up believing asking for help or allowing someone to do something for me was some sort of crime.  You see, my teachers wanted me to be independent, and depending on anyone for anything was close to a mortal sin.

It took about a year of therapy, support from close friends, and a lot of prayer to heal these deep wounds. Today, I am a functional, professional human being who lives a productive and fulfilling life.  I try to do as much as I can for myself, but there are still some things that are hard for me.  It's hard for me to cut meat, spread butter with a knife, and cutting my toenails is like doing surgery.  I'd rather not do my own laundry, and folding clothes is a huge pain for me.  Could I improve on some of these skills?  Quite probably yes, though they are hard for most blind people, especially those who are born blind.  But here's the point. I could cut my own meat if I really wanted to, but it turns eating into a chore.  And more importantly, when I ask someone to do it for me, I am offering them something very precious; an opportunity to give.  We are not called to be isolated, autonomous, independent beings.  We are called to be interdependent, not independent. That means I can do things for you and you can do things for me.  I don't have to depend on you for everything, and I don't have to do everything myself either.

Coaching Philosophy

Part 1: What is Coaching?

Part 2: What Coaches Do?

Part 3: The Reality of Human Frailty

Part 4: Listening to The Barbarian

Part 5: The Limits of Willpower

Part 6: Indirect Change

Part 7: To Give or Not to Give Advice, That is the Question

Part 8: Transparency and Authenticity

Part 9: Don't Go Changin', to Try and Please Me

Part 10: Self-acceptance, Not Self-improvement

Post Script

Weaknesses give us an opportunity to delegate, and delegating makes us much more efficient. I've heard it said that 90 percent of businesses fail because of lack of capital.  This makes sense to me, and here's why.  Capital allows us to delegate, and we employ other people in the
process. This frees up our time to do what we do best and enjoy most, while allowing others to do the same.

As I said earlier, many people in our culture are hung up on self-improvement schemes; in fact, that's why many people seek out the help of a life coach.  And many coaches will oblige.  Many coaches will give you a list of questions to see which areas in your life you need to work on. They'll ask you about your eating habits, your exercise regimen, and your financial situation.  I can only speak for myself, but I find this approach intimidating and overwhelming.  I don't need to be reminded of all the areas of my life that need improvement.  Being the introspective person that I am,  I spend far too much time navel-gazing as it is; I am far too aware of my own flaws.

Well, I'm not that kind of a coach. I'm interested in self-acceptance, not self-improvement. In fact, I just spoke with a client this morning who was sharing his struggles with procrastination; an issue he's wrestled with all his life.  Ironically, he even says that reading books and listening to tapes on overcoming procrastination can become its own project, and could even be another form of procrastination, as more time is spent thinking about how to avoid procrastination, rather than getting onto the real things we think we're supposed to do.

I suggested a different approach.  Maybe procrastination isn't a bad thing.  In fact, there's even a club called the Procrastinator's Club of America.  After all, procrastinators just put off the things they don't really want to do anyway; so maybe we should spend more time doing what we want to do instead. Wow, what a novel idea. And who knows, maybe procrastinators can help us take ourselves a little less seriously.

What is your goal: an improved self or a happy self?  Would you rather strive for excellence or flow in fulfillment?

As I said in my last piece, the choice is yours, but you don't have to make a decision right now; after all, you can always procrastinate.

Are you ready?  Let's coach.