"Don’t go changin, to try and please me." - Billy Joel, "Just The Way You Are."


I'm sure you remember the song; it was one of the biggest hits of the 70's, and it touchingly conveys a man's appreciation for his lover's human qualities, warts and all.  While this is a love song, we may want to consider applying this principle to ourselves.  Are we changing just to please someone else, or are we able to love ourselves just the way we are?

In my earlier pieces, I talked about the human tendency to resist change, and suggested strategies to address this dilemma.  While I still stand by the things I said, there’s another side to all of this.  Many of us are caught up in other people's expectations of who we should be.  Our parents may have expected us to be doctors and lawyers, when our real desire is to pursue a career in the arts.  This can be particularly difficult for parents, who often have financial concerns and encourage their children to pursue "realistic," or “safe," professions that will earn them a decent and stable living.

Or, in some cases, parents may be trying vicariously to live out their unfulfilled dreams through their children; if they didn't get to be athletes, they'll make damn sure their kids get plenty of sports opportunities.  Unfortunately, this often results in parents trying to remake their kids in their own image, rather than embracing their children for the unique people they are and raising them according to their individual gifts and talents.

Our society also bombards us with expectations; expectations about how we should look, how much we should weigh, etc.  Wherever the pressure is coming from, I need to ask myself an important question; if I'm going to make changes in my life, do those changes come from the core of who I am, or am I merely responding to social or parental constraints?

As a coach, one of the greatest services I can provide you is to help you discover who you are. Once you discover who you are, it's amazing how easy things become. Instead of overcoming your resistance to change, you quickly realize that there are many things about yourself that you don't have to change at all.  You can start doing what you want, instead of what others think you should do.  You can be the person you were meant to be, instead of trying to live up to other people's expectations.  You can focus on what comes naturally and easily to you, and stop trying to do things the hard way.  Basically, you can start doing what you want.

Well, you may ask, if I just need to do what I want, why do I need a coach?  You'd be amazed how difficult it is for many of us to work up the courage to be who we want to be and do what we want to do.  Those social pressures and external expectations are playing like old tapes in our heads, and they've become a part of our limbic system.  Unlike that still small voice inside of us that knows what will bring us peace, those tapes are very loud and very intense.

And here's the paradox, making the choice to stop trying to change and conform to external expectations so we can be ourselves and be truly fulfilled is itself a kind of change.  We may be living in a rut; and the prison we are in may become familiar to us; so it doesn't even feel like a prison.

And this is where a good coach can help.  If you begin a coaching relationship with me, I will send you a series of seven simple questions that will help you determine your gifts and talents, and will help you get in touch with your authentic self.  But for starters, I'll give you a hint. I define professional success as doing something that you would do for free, and getting paid for it as icing on the cake.

Coaching Philosophy

Part 1: What is Coaching?

Part 2: What Coaches Do?

Part 3: The Reality of Human Frailty

Part 4: Listening to The Barbarian

Part 5: The Limits of Willpower

Part 6: Indirect Change

Part 7: To Give or Not to Give Advice, That is the Question

Part 8: Transparency and Authenticity

Part 9: Don't Go Changin', to Try and Please Me

Part 10: Self-acceptance, Not Self-improvement

Post Script

Is that where you are professionally?  Most of us are not, and I realize we all have to make a living; but here's another tip to help you get started on the road to your dream career.  Whenever possible try and make a living in the industry you want to be in; even if you don't have the position you want.  So, if you're like me, and you want to get back on the air with your own radio talk-show, you can work in other radio-related capacities while you work towards your dream.

Much of this involves brainstorming and setting small, bite-sized goals; another thing I can help you with.  A lot of well-meaning people tell us to get out of our comfort zone; I want to help you identify your comfort zone, and revel in it.  One way to identify your comfort zone is to think back on your childhood; what did you enjoy most as a youngster?  Were you a verbal kid; or a math whiz?  How did you like to spend your spare time?  Did you play aggressively with other kids, or did you prefer the solitary company of a good book?  These are just some of the questions you can ask yourself, as you evaluate your life, both personally and professionally.

I fully realize that the advice I'm giving you right now is far from original.  There are hundreds of seminars, books, and motivational speeches that will tell you essentially the same thing.  But most of them will take you through an extensive personality profile; a comprehensive overview of all areas of your life.  There's nothing wrong with doing this, it's just not necessary.  That's why I've developed the seven simple questions I discussed earlier.  And one reason so many coaches and self-help gurus are giving the same advice in these areas is because the advice is sound. Truth comes from multiple sources, and there is wisdom in many counselors.  And multiple counselors now recognize the wisdom of focusing on our strengths, not our weaknesses, and that a life of flowing is more fulfilling, and ultimately more efficient, than a life of striving.

The choice is yours; will you resign yourself to relationships based on duty and sacrifice or will you seek out loving friendships based on mutual satisfaction and contentment?  Will you settle for drudgery or do you desire meaningful work that involves creativity, not just productivity?  You don't have to make a decision right now, but when you do, my services are available.

Continue to Part 10: Self-acceptance, Not Self-improvement

Are you ready?  Let's coach.