Transparency and Authenticity

"If you can’t tell the truth about yourself, you can't tell it about other people." - Virginia Woolf

At the risk of stating the obvious, I'd like to remind my readers that I'm not perfect. In fact, it might be useful for me to point out some of my glaring imperfections.  Have I accomplished all, or even most of the goals I want to achieve?  Hardly.  Some years ago, I was working on a children's book, and I lost the manuscript. I have no idea where it is, and I've lacked the motivation to start over again.

And working on this coaching site has put my life out of balance.  I'm not exercising as much as I would like to; and I've abandoned my daily habit of prayer and meditation.  In short, I'm slacking, big-time.

So, why should you pay for my services?  Who wants a slacker for a coach?

But it's my honest admission of personal failure that is part of what makes me a good coach. A good coach is a humble coach.  Why?  Because admitting my mistakes and struggles, even my current ones, lets a client know that I'm not talking to them from a mountaintop.  I've never climbed Mount Everest, and have no intention of doing so.  I'm right here on the ground; my life has peaks and valleys, just like yours.  I have some tools that you might find useful, just as they've been useful for me.

I've had my share of coaches, counselors and therapists, and the best ones were open and transparent with me. If I asked them personal questions, they would, within reason, share their lives with me. This allowed me to let down my guard; it made me feel safe and helped avoid the intimidation I would feel if they had maintained a strict, professional distance.

In order for coaching to be effective, it's essential that I form a bond with you.  In human relationships, bonds are formed in two primary ways.  The first is through similarity.  Common interests, common values, common goals, are the source of many bonds and friendships.  When people are on the same page, when they finish each other's sentences, they often become best friends, kindred spirits, or what people call "soul mates."  But another kind of glue which also binds people together is a feeling of safety.  This occurs when a person feels that "unconditional positive regard," that Carl Rogers liked to emphasize.  When people feel safe with someone, they feel safe letting their guard down.  One way to speed up that process is to let your guard down first.  If you feel comfortable talking about yourself in some detail, it makes it easier for another person to do the same.

A good friend of mine is a sexual abuse survivor.  The most therapeutic part of her healing process took place in a support group where the leader shared her own story.  Well, guess what happened?  Her self-disclosure made other group members feel safe, and they started opening up as well.  In small group facilitation circles, the leader would be known as the diver.  She dove in first, and the rest followed.

Coaching Philosophy

Part 1: What is Coaching?

Part 2: What Coaches Do?

Part 3: The Reality of Human Frailty

Part 4: Listening to The Barbarian

Part 5: The Limits of Willpower

Part 6: Indirect Change

Part 7: To Give or Not to Give Advice, That is the Question

Part 8: Transparency and Authenticity

Part 9: Don't Go Changin', to Try and Please Me

Part 10: Self-acceptance, Not Self-improvement

Post Script

Remember that as a coach, the greatest gift I can give you is myself.  This doesn't mean I have to be self-indulgent, and spend a lot of time sharing pain and trauma from my past, but it does mean that I need to be authentic with you.  If you ask me a personal question, and it's not inappropriate, I will answer it.  If you ask me for advice or feedback, I will usually give it to you, unless I feel it would be better for you to figure out the answer on your own.

Being authentic also means sharing out of my own experience; especially when my own story relates in some way to what a client is going through.  Stories convey what author Dr. Gary Smalley calls emotional word pictures.  They speak to a place in us that abstract thoughts and concepts just can't touch.  And again, the fact that the story comes out of my own experience lets you know you have a partner, not someone who is lecturing you from above, but a real human being with gritty experiences just like yours.

Being authentic and transparent isn't just about sharing my weaknesses, though that's part of the deal, but it's primarily about being fully present with you. It means not hiding my emotional reactions to what you're saying; it means laughing with you, crying with you, and challenging you when I think it might be helpful.  While coaching is not an ordinary friendship, it should include those components of friendship that make authentic connections so fulfilling for both parties. Of course, I won't click the same way with every client, but that too is part of being authentic. There may be some clients I just can't work with, because our values are too different, or our communication styles are incompatible.  In those cases, what matters is that I remain true to myself and my own integrity by making a decision that is consistent with who I am.

In the end, the best thing I can do is show up.

Continue to Part 9: Don't Go Changin', to Try and Please Me

Are you ready?  Let's coach.