The Limits of Willpower
"New year's resolutions are made to be broken."  Andre Traversa

"Put your nose to the grindstone."  "Just do it."  "Force yourself."  And of course, "You need to develop some self-discipline."

How many well-meaning parents, teachers, coaches, and other authority figures have given us these lovely bits of unsolicited and often unwelcome advice?  These nagging, grating platitudes have become negative clichés. Unlike positive clichés which we appreciate for the timeless nuggets of truth they contain, negative clichés are just old and obnoxious. Like stinky Limburger cheese, we just wish they would go away.

I've often wondered why people continue to dish out such advice, when, on some level, they must know it doesn't work.  First of all, this advice is often given in shrill, nagging tones, like a
Victorian schoolmistress nagging a recalcitrant child.  If we're really honest with ourselves, we'll admit that nagging not only doesn't work, but it often produces the very opposite effect. Nag someone to lose weight, and they'll probably just rebel against it and go on a junk-food binge; God knows I've done it myself.  Nagging may work temporarily; after all, we all want the nagger  to shut up.  But it's only a matter of time before we revert back to our previous behavior.

But there's a deeper reason why such annoying little lectures don't work. They don't work because their message is based on the theory that if we just try hard enough, we can accomplish our goals and become the people we know we should be.  In other words, the advice is based on willpower.

Our culture believes in willpower. Remember that children's story called THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD?  "I think I can," the engine said over and over again.  Repeat it enough times, and work hard enough and we'll do just fine. 
We value strength, rugged individualism and the can-do spirit, while despising weakness and indecision. I would say that the two greatest and trendiest examples of willpower are the tradition of New Year's resolutions and our seemingly endless obsession with dieting.

Let's start with the resolutions. A recent study by the Human Quirk Index found that nearly 98 percent of those who made New Year's Resolutions failed to follow through on them with any high degree of consistency.

Okay, you caught me; the study's a joke, but I hope you can relate to the larger point being made here.  The failure of New Year's Resolutions begins with the word resolve.  If we just have enough resolve, if we just try hard enough, we will find the strength within us to accomplish our goals.  A person could, of course, use New Year's Resolutions to facilitate real change, but at least in my experience, I haven't seen that happen.

Diets are another example of willpower on steroids, and in this case, the failure rate is no joke.  The sad fact is that 90 percent of all dieters regain most or all of the weight originally lost, while one-third gain more.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not against weight loss for those who truly
want or need it, but there are far more effective ways to accomplish this goal.

Okay, I've said over and over again that willpower doesn't work, but I haven’t given any reasons why.  Rick Warren, in his book, The Purpose Driven Life, draws an analogy that should help explain this problem. Warren uses the illustration of a boat that is programmed to travel in only one direction. If we want the boat to change course, we have two choices. Either we can try and force the boat to turn around, but at some point, our arms will get tired of rowing, and we'll drop the oars and give up; or we can change the autopilot and program the boat to follow our lead.

How does this analogy work in our own lives?  One reason habits are so hard to break is that at some point, they become almost involuntary.  They become part of our auto-pilot and ultimately, we're back to the limbic system again; that part of us that is most resistant to change.  Rather than trying desperately to fight against an autopilot that is more powerful than we are, Rick Warren suggests that we change the autopilot by changing our thinking.  While I certainly agree that changing our thinking is the ultimate goal, this too, can be a self-defeating trap, if we go about it the wrong way.  The problem is that many people again resort to willpower when trying to change their thought patterns.  

Coaching Philosophy

Part 1: What is Coaching?

Part 2: What Coaches Do?

Part 3: The Reality of Human Frailty

Part 4: Listening to The Barbarian

Part 5: The Limits of Willpower

Part 6: Indirect Change

Part 7: To Give or Not to Give Advice, That is the Question

Part 8: Transparency and Authenticity

Part 9: Don't Go Changin', to Try and Please Me

Part 10: Self-acceptance, Not Self-improvement

Post Script

This is done in one of two ways.  A person tries to force themselves to think differently, or they expend a lot of mental energy focusing on the habits they want to change.  This is often done through visualization exercises.  We visualize ourselves quitting smoking, or losing weight, etc. Visualization is great when the focus is something positive, like getting your dream job or finding your soul-mate, but when it comes to fighting something we don't want in our lives, it becomes just another form of willpower.

As Warren points out, most diets don't work because they keep us thinking about food all the time.  If we want to quit smoking, obsessing about it will only frustrate us and make us want a cigarette.  The example most often cited when discussing this phenomenon is that of the red flag.  If I tell you not to think of a red flag, what will you do?  I think you know the answer.

Essentially, there are three reasons why willpower doesn't work.  The first one is that it puts us in conflict with ourselves. One reason it's so hard to change old, ingrained habits is that part of us doesn’t want to change. Like it or not, these old habits, now embedded in our limbic system, have become a part of who we are.  We like them.  So, if we fight against them; we are fighting against something a part of us wants and has come to enjoy.  So we play tug of war with ourselves; our cerebral cortex trying to push us forward, while our limbic system is pulling us back with all its might.  Our head goes one way, and our heart goes another.  Until we come to a point where our heads and hearts are aligned, we'll just end up running in place.  Another reason willpower doesn't work is that it's based on the premise that we can change on our own. While theoretically possible, as my dad used to say, anything is possible but not everything is probable.  The reason that solitary change is unlikely is that it's out of sync with human nature. We're just not designed to function in isolation. We are interdependent, not independent.  And eventually, we come to a place in our lives where we need to ask for help. There comes a time when all the positive thinking in the world just won't cut it; the little engine that could becomes the human being that can't.  Saying "I can't," is not a bad thing; it’s an admission of failure, but admitting failure is a sign of humility and honesty, not something to be ashamed of.

One group of people that understands this very well is Alcoholics Anonymous.  They, along with other 12-step programs, realize that addictions are not defeated through willpower. If they could be, they would not be addictions. Addiction implies a loss of control, while willpower assumes we have it all under control.

Admitting we are out of control and can't do it on our own is the beginning of real change and healing. That's why the first of the 12 Steps begins, "we admitted we were powerless over alcohol."  Admitting we are powerless is the antithesis of willpower, but in many cases, it's the only way to break the cycle of self-defeat.  The third and final reason willpower doesn't work has to do with what we discussed earlier; it puts the focus on the very thing we're trying to avoid.  I fully realize we all must go through seasons where we focus on something negative. Grieving a loss or healing from a trauma are good examples. But when it comes to behavioral change, the best approach is often an indirect one.  Next, I'll show you how exposing yourself to something positive can produce deep and permanent change with minimal effort and maximum results.

Continue to Part 6: Indirect Change